Daily Archives: February 10, 2012
Some New Catholic Humor Via My Mother
*image source: google.com/images
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret
code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have
mercy)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by
an HMO. (Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating
capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday
services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as
opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to
win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are
worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips
into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino
chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the
casinos turning chips into cash.
He, of course, is known as “The Chip Monk.”
Related articles
- Some Catholic Humor Via My Mother (terri0729.wordpress.com)
Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse – Continued
*image source: wallpaperway.com
The distorted ways that these men look at the world, over time, start to rub off on you. You fight it as much as you can, but after any length of time, you find yourself falling into their psychosis. One of the things though, I am proud to say, that he could never take from me was my faith in God. Oh, he tried, believe me!
I would be subjected to rants for hours on how there was no God or Jesus and how we came from aliens. I would then say, “Well, where did the aliens first come from then?” I don’t even remember now what his answer for that one was. I think of it now and how he has tried to do the same thing to our daughter and I have to laugh about how absurd it all is. Most of the time I would just think to myself, “yeah, you’re just afraid to believe because, if you did, then you’d have to suffer the guilt for all the mean, nasty things that you have done in your life time and you sure aren’t gonna do that, are you!”
Then I begin to wonder, “Is that one of the reasons God let me have a near death experience?” Maybe it was to save my daughter from his delusions. He already tried to take my faith and couldn’t but she is a child. Maybe her saving grace was Mark and I telling her about our “deaths” and what it was like to “feel” the glorious heaven that awaits us. Seems plausible to me.
I had a counselor tell me one time that the average cycle for an abused woman is 5 to 7 years. I was abused for between 13 – 14 years, twice the norm. She told me about the rage issues that I would be dealing with and how I was going to have to reprogram my mind. I didn’t really do too well at any of that until God gave me Mark.
In all honesty, he is the one who has done the reprogramming, not me. God healed my soul and spirit, Mark healed my heart and mind. If I had never found true, unselfish, unconditional love here on this earth, I would probably still be floundering or dead by now.
I don’t know why God chose to bless me so greatly. I have thought about this endlessly in the past. I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t earn it, but it was given to me all the same. I came to the conclusion that it must be all of the praying that was done for me, along with the fact that I was dedicated to Him at birth in the Catholic Church and He was not going to let me go down so easily. I also believe that the near death experience was my final warning to get it together too. Thankfully it worked 
I no longer “hate” my abuser, at least as much as humanly possible, but I do have strong emotions about him, such as; disgust, revulsion, pity, etc. I have “forgiven” him because how could I do otherwise when I have been so forgiven myself? God would not like that.
Yet I do have vestiges of those old emotions when I read my friends posts about how they are suffering the ill effects still, the anger, the hurt and pain, depression, etc. My heart hurts for them, especially since I have so been there and done that. I worry for them because I know how suicidal you can become.
And this goes as well for those who suffer abuse through friends and in friendships. There are people out there, not just those of the opposite sex, that prey on the kind-hearted souls, the generous, caring, unselfish people who would give you the shirt off their backs. We also have to be sure to note that it’s not just women who are abused in either of these ways because there are men in the same situations. And the statistics are rising on their side in today’s society.
Why is that do you think? You have to wonder, don’t you?
Just some thoughts that I had to get off my chest. Thanks for listening/reading!!
Smiles and blessings to all,
Terri
Related articles
- Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse (terri0729.wordpress.com)
When your feeling sad and life is lonely for you – Reblog
When your feeling sad and life is lonely for you
don’t just sit there and cry shedding tears for two
think off something that would put a smile on your face
go and get it be part of the human race
when life feels lost and your feeling down
have a nice cuppa and gaze all around
and when darkness has set in it’s just the end
and test we must all go through
the conclusion of a part of life
and the start of something new
life can be full of hope and lots of happiness
it what you make of it so take a chance today
so don’t be worried and don’t be sad
because god made you special
and something special will come you way
just be patient and wait and see
for happiness will soon return to thee
and when it does the sun will shine on you
with a spring in your step
you will laugh and joke and say
bring it on life let’s go and play
do your worst life you wont upset me
my sadness has past i am as happy as can be
i am no longer sad and lonely
upset and angry for you
ive come through life’s little test
and i am smiling for you.
To see more of Kevin’s poems, go here: http://myheartsingspoetry.wordpress.com/
Woof Woof Via My Mother – Too True!
A dog had followed his owner to school.
His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
‘Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.’
