Some New Catholic Humor Via My Mother

*image source: google.com/images

This information is for Catholics only.  It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics.  The less they know about our rituals and top secret
code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have
mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by
an HMO. (Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating
capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in  Las Vegas than casinos.  During Sunday
services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as
opposed to cash.  Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to
win.  Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are
worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips
into the diocese for sorting.  Once sorted into the respective casino
chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the
casinos turning chips into cash. 

He, of course, is known as “The Chip Monk.”

 

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