I don’t know how it happened; this post was supposed to go with the Spinning poem but ended up in my drafts folder instead, gee I wonder?! lol! Better late than never, right?
Yes, as you can see with my poem, I’ve finally hit the wall and suffered a stress fracture! lol. Actually I’ve been sick for 3 weeks now, or more, I can’t remember for sure the last time I felt good.
The doctor started Mark on the first option of med’s on the 15th. I had to contact the on-call doc on Friday evening, after a nerve-wracking day of worry. I told Mark on Thurs. evening that he looked rundown. On Friday, he was real lethargic and just not himself. I was getting ready to run get Sara after school and went to tell him. At first I couldn’t find him but then noticed the bedroom door was closed. I yelled out that I was leaving and asked if he was okay. He said yes, but I knew he was lying. I opened the door and said so. ”How do you know I’m lying?” he asked me.
“Mark! We’ve just had our 8th anniversary, I know my husband better than he thinks apparently. The only time you get away with doing it, like you just did, is ’cause I let you! Good thing you don’t try it often.”
Looking closer at him, I noticed he was kinda ashy and his face looked like somebody had punched it, extremely swollen. No wonder he had kept out of my sight for most of the day! He said he was fine for me to leave him alone for 20 minutes. I flew there and back. Then he was back up and I saw how inflamed his whole body was. Scared me to death! I grabbed the phone and called immediately.
Long story short; I had to monitor his blood pressure over the weekend and if it got up to 160, take him immediately to the ER; he had to stop the new med’s; we couldn’t travel anywhere (which normally wouldn’t matter except my son was getting married 90 miles away!!!!!!) All this occurred at 10:45 pm and I had to call him around 11:15 to tell him that I would not be able to come see him get married. I was bawling my eyes out! He said that he understood but I still heard the hurt in his voice. Then I had to call my eldest daughter to tell her that I would get Sara out there to ride with her but Mark & I would not be going. At first she was dead silent and I burst out bawling all over again.
“I don’t know what to say mom, I’m sorry. Did you call Blaine yet?” ”Yes” ”What did he say?” ”He understood” ”I’m sure he does” ”I still know he’s hurt” ”I’m sure he is! I don’t want this to sound mean, so please don’t take it that way but I’m just talking from the other side of the coin here.” (I already had an idea what was coming) ”What?” ”I just really sucks to be your kid sometimes. It was already bad enough before with you always being sick so much, but now with Mark too, that’s just that much more stuff you will miss out on being there for! Look at all the things you’ve already missed.” Bawling more, “I kn-know but I c-c-can’t help it!” ”WE ALL KNOW THAT, MOM! We don’t blame you at all, that’s what I meant when I said that it sucks being your kid. You know I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world!! Mark either, we all just wish you weren’t sick.” ”How do you think I feel?!”
I told her that I thought about getting someone to come stay with him while I was gone but there’s no way I could do that and not be a basket case the hold time I was gone, just the worry alone would ruin the whole day for me and I didn’t want to be a downer to the celebration. Could you just imagine if I had gone 90 miles away and got a call saying “We had to take Mark to the hospital?” I’d probably kill myself just trying to get home fast enough, not to mention the worst case scenario.
Everybody understood, Mark said to go anyway, of course that didn’t happen and now I have one more guilt to live with concerning my children I am trying my hardest to brush it off but it’s not working well enough to keep my depression in check. I hit that Saturday night.
NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF IT!!!! I know this, they know this, God knows this, easier said than done too.
I used to ask God why I had to go through all the abuse and crap with Sara’s dad, what He was strengthening me for? How strong did I have to be in the future? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around for it. Today, I think I know why, it was a stress tolerance exercise!
I’m trying to keep busy and occupy my mind as much as possible but with being sick so much it’s not easy. I did want to share with you the latest things that I’ve been working on. They could be better but I think I’m still doing pretty good for only starting back in November or so of last year, don’t you? I find that I can do the sculpting better than the canes because, with them, you have to be able to apply equal pressure with both hands during construction and then again when reducing; for me with the MS, that’s impossible. Therefore, the pattern is never straight in my canes Oh well, I am having fun with these characters anyway.
Thanks to you all for those thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement!! I couldn’t do it without your support. Forgive me being negligent with the updates.
Love, hugs and blessings to all, Terri
I don’t want to believe it. I told Mark last night that I was so very scared about his “procedure” today. He told me not to worry about it ’cause he knew it was just the hole had gotten bigger and they’d fix it. I told him I didn’t think so and my heart of heart’s told me it was worse than that. He asked me what I thought it was. I said blockage, open heart surgery.
I never in a million years dreamed that it would be even worse than that!!!!!
Mark has a very rare heart condition called pulmonary hypertension. The doctor who worked on him today said that name means that the blood pressure of his heart is too high and they have no idea what causes it. He is going to try his best to treat it here BUT the medicine is very expensive and there are only a handful of clinics in the country who deal with treating this condition. If he can’t help Mark, he will be sent to one of these clinics in Chicago.
I can’t take this!!!! I am crushed, overwhelmed, I don’t even have a word that is close enough to conveying how I feel. Shock is putting it mildly. I thought I was prepared. I thought God had forewarned me that it was going to be bad, but this?????????????????
Why does it have to be something so RARE????????????????? Can anyone reasonably expect to receive more than one miracle in their life, more than two miracles for a couple? I’m afraid to believe that there will be another, what if there’s not? I wouldn’t survive it.
Your prayers are needed more than ever before!
Hello my friends!!! Yes, I am still alive but that’s not saying much about my mental state. I want to get off the rollercoaster!
My intentions were good when I said that I would begin posting more regularly after the first of the year but it didn’t work out that way, obviously. I thought, once I got my Christmas crisis over with, things would all settle down. Wrong.
About mid-January, the landlord informed us that he wanted to move one of his field hands into the house to oversee his AG Chemical business operations (a job he had originally told Mark that he would like him to do once they were sure it was going to be profitable). So, he gave us until the first of March to move out!
In the middle of winter, in Indiana, he wants us to find a new place to live and move our 5+ years worth of accumulated stuff. I spent the last weeks of January and the first of Feb. looking for somewhere suitable, that we could afford, that Sara didn’t object to, that was closer to where Mark worked, etc.
Early Feb. I was successful with that part of this process. I located a 3 bedroom house with living room, family room and unfinished basement. That worked out perfectly for what I was wanting, a room specifically set up for my “studio”. It is 20 miles closer to where Mark works, which cuts his commute from 35 minutes to about 10. But then came the packing up and moving it process. Every day for about 9 days straight I would pack my 4 totes and handful of boxes, take them to the new house, empty them out on the floor of whatever room they went to and go back home to pack them up again. Yes, I was having a problem getting boxes!! Everywhere I went I got the same response, “We recycle our boxes, sorry.” Who knew it would be so hard? I did finally get a couple dozen or so from the local small town grocery store and also from Hobby Lobby. In the end, we had to buy them from the U-Haul place.
As the end of February got closer, I would try to make at least two trips each day doing this. We had to also deal with the weather. One weekend it was below zero windchill that stopped all progress, then we had ice another. To say that we were a little upset about the timing is an understatement.
We have been moving everything over the last two weekends. I have a house full of boxes to unpack with a sore back and knees to.
Along with all of this, we had a hundred other things to deal with. Dad went into the hospital in Florida with chest pains but it’s okay. His memory is still really bad though from the last time he was in the nursing home up here. Mark’s uncle died and his dad is having a hard time with it. Shawna’s friend committed suicide. Sara’s half-sister suffered the loss of her cousin to an accidental overdose. There is more but I just can’t remember everything right now, it’s all been so overwhelming
I miss you all and decided to take a break and fill you in. You are never too far from my mind. One advantage to this move, I will now be getting U-verse service for my internet and should not have any more problems getting on here to post my thoughts!!!
Love, hugs and blessings to all,
P.S. Len, I haven’t forgotten you either!! I will get back to work on that little project when I get settled into my house. xxxxx