Still Breathing

I’m still here, breathing in and out every day, but that’s about it.

After I was last on here, I was getting ready for the Artisan’s Market.  Well it was a lot of work and they were very disappointed with their turn out. It had been a couple of years since they had it due to the fact that they were building their new church.  I was not thrilled when, in the first 2 hours of the day, I had only sold one item.  But the crowd did pick up and I think I probably came out better than a lot of them did.  After the table cost and my voluntary 10% donation to the church, I made a little over $100.  It really could have been much better.  I guess, I will either have to break down and do one of the local festivals next time but I always worry about the cost of the booth at those things vs. what you make.  I don’t know.  I’m definitely going to get some of my stuff into the consignment shops in town for the Christmas season.

All in all, things were doing okay – I just missed Mark a lot.  Since harvest started, I got to see him for maybe an hour a day and that’s it. 😦

Then on Monday I got an e-mail from mom and, after reading the first few lines, bust out bawling.  Sara came running into the room in a panic.  She was too little to remember the fits of depressions at the beginning of my MS and has only heard stories about it, so it really scared her.

The e-mail said that dad had gone to my brothers to ride the bike, which he does every day, and had fallen in the driveway.  He lay there for a while and nobody saw him to come and help him up.  That’s where I started crying.  I could only imagine my dad there helpless.  The man who was always larger than life to me.  IT BROKE MY HEART!  It went on to say that he had finally gotten himself up and drove home.  Then mom took him to the hospital.  She said is arm was in a sling and she didn’t know how well she was going to be able to help him get around.

I was a basket case.  I sent her an e-mail back and said that Sara and I would be over Tuesday after school to see him.  When I called on Tuesday to say we would be on our way over soon, mom said they were at the hospital admitting dad because she couldn’t take care of him.  I asked why not and she said, “Well, with that broken shoulder, it’s just too much for me.”  Well, I lost it again!  She had not said that dad broke his shoulder in her e-mail.  She said that he had told her that he was sorry for being so much trouble for her.

I’ve been crying on and off for days now.  I know my dad, I know he was already fighting depression and I know what this is going to do to him.

We went to see him in the hospital on Thursday because I just couldn’t get myself together enough to go before that.  I didn’t want to walk in there a basket case or crying.  I couldn’t take it for long.  We had a short visit, he was tired and wanted to sleep anyway, thank God.

They are going to keep him until Sunday and then transfer him to an extended care facility for rehab.  He is going to hate it!

I told Mark today that, if I’m this bad with him just being hospitalized, Lord only knows what I’m going to do when he passes on.  I know I would probably handle things better if I weren’t already fighting this MS depression relapse.  I like to think so anyway.

I just wanted to fill you all in on why I haven’t been here.  The two poems that I just posted are pretty dark, but well show my state of mind right now.  I owe a few of you an e-mail too but haven’t written because I don’t want to depressing to you too.  Everyone is used to my positive and upbeat outlook that I know you are concerned for me and I appreciate it more deeply than you could ever know!

My thoughts are always with you all, my friends!

Love and God bless,

Terri

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12 thoughts on “Still Breathing

  1. Hi terri I am so glad to see you are back for however long you can be. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, He has a long road to heal and rehab for the shoulder. the crying and depression is your MS as you said , just fight it and pray terri that is all you can do, I have prayers going for you. Love ~ Len

    1. Thank you Len! You know, as well as I do, “this too shall pass” – it’s just the waiting for it to do so that is distressing me. It’s been seven years since I have had to battle it on this level and I pray that it will be another seven again. I HATE being this way. It’s not me at all. I don’t know what I would do without Mark, my family and you all, probably be bald, lol! My faith is ever fast, not to worry, but I’m moaning to Him a lot more these days. I just got off the phone with Mom and she said that dad wasn’t doing very good tonight, again. But this time is the worst yet. She said that he kept asking her, “Where’s your mother?” (Who died when I was 16) After she told him that she had been dead for a long time now she realized that dad thought she was one of his daughters and was asking her where she was. I told Mark that I was not going to start crying again today. I’ve done good at not going there, for the first time in the last week, and don’t want to get started. We’ll see how he does tomorrow 😦 Hoping and praying is all we can do. Thank you for yours!!!
      Love and hugs, Terri

      1. Give it all to the lord my dear sister in Christ! pastor just preached tonight on letting go and let God , he will give you the strength and endurance for all situations Praise the Lord. Love you

  2. so sorry you are having to go through this my friend. let us pray that your dad being in a facility for a while may strengthen him and help him to feel better. it is hard i know, i fight this daily with my brother, should i or shouldn’t i place him. god bless and my prayers are with you for your own healing and your dads

    1. Thanks Terry!!! You know I love and appreciate you for it too. I put an update on Len’s response if you want to come on site to read it. I pray that you and Al are doing well during my absence! Major hugs, Terri

  3. Hi Terri,
    I don’t know if you have a website or not to sell your things; but I have one and I might be able to help you. If you are interested please let me know.
    The website is http://www.myraysmarket.com

    I will be raying for your father and for you; things are always darkest before the light of our Creator comes shining in.
    I wish you much peace.

    L.M. Young

    1. Thank you so very, very much for your gracious offer! I just got the digital camera that I ordered and as soon as I get the hang of it, I will definitely get hold of you, send you some pictures and discuss that with you. You are definitely a Godsend.

      Thank you also for the thoughts and prayers. We will always take as many of those as we can get! I put an update on Len’s response if you want to come on site to read it.

      Hugs and God bless you, Terri

  4. Love and warm hugs going your way. It’s a tumultuous time all over the globe at the moment and your voice still speaks so lovingly through your challenges. Hang in there, just breathe and please don’t worry about your poems being dark. Like everything, we humans are a fine balance of light and dark. Expressing it gets it out of our heads. Much love xo

    1. Bless you, Janice! I appreciate you so much. You know me, I’m not going down without a fight, lol! I put an update on Len’s response if you want to come on site to read it. Mega squeezes and love, Terri

  5. Dear friend, I’m sorry that your Dad and you are suffering now, and that this happened to him during your relapse into MS depression. Your depression will pass; though you are deep in a pit, the Lord will bring you out – for sure! Lots of the Psalms talk about that dark awful place of suffering. Try to praise Him, Terri! So glad you have your Mark and Sara!
    My prayers for you. I’m certain, he must be a wonderful Dad!
    Love,
    Maria

  6. HI ,MORNDAY HI,,DOT,BLESSING YOUR PAGE…..“Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go.’” Isaiah 48:17 (ESV)

    Are you waking up today with a serious case of the Mondays? Does your life feel like a prison that is keeping you bound in chains of grief, shame, guilt, and sin? Sometimes we need a good reminder of how free we are and why praise and thankfulness should always be on our lips.

    “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.” (Ephesians 1:3-10, ESV)

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