The Curse

the curse

 

You are loved in this world and even more beyond!

Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse – Continued

*image source: wallpaperway.com

The distorted ways that these men look at the world, over time, start to rub off on you.  You fight it as much as you can, but after any length of time, you find yourself falling into their psychosis.  One of the things though, I am proud to say, that he could never take from me was my faith in God.  Oh, he tried, believe me!  

I would be subjected to rants for hours on how there was no God or Jesus and how we came from aliens.  I would then say, “Well, where did the aliens first come from then?”  I don’t even remember now what his answer for that one was.  I think of it now and how he has tried to do the same thing to our daughter and I have to laugh about how absurd it all is.  Most of the time I would just think to myself, “yeah, you’re just afraid to believe because, if you did, then you’d have to suffer the guilt for all the mean, nasty things that you have done in your life time and you sure aren’t gonna do that, are you!”

Then I begin to wonder, “Is that one of the reasons God let me have a near death experience?”  Maybe it was to save my daughter from his delusions.  He already tried to take my faith and couldn’t but she is a child.  Maybe her saving grace was Mark and I telling her about our “deaths” and what it was like to “feel” the glorious heaven that awaits us.  Seems plausible to me.

I had a counselor tell me one time that the average cycle for an abused woman is 5 to 7 years.  I was abused for between 13 – 14 years, twice the norm.  She told me about the rage issues that I would be dealing with and how I was going to have to reprogram my mind.  I didn’t really do too well at any of that until God gave me Mark.

In all honesty, he is the one who has done the reprogramming, not me.  God healed my soul and spirit, Mark healed my heart and mind.  If I had never found true, unselfish, unconditional love here on this earth, I would probably still be floundering or dead by now.

I don’t know why God chose to bless me so greatly.  I have thought about this endlessly in the past.  I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t earn it, but it was given to me all the same.  I came to the conclusion that it must be all of the praying that was done for me, along with the fact that I was dedicated to Him at birth in the Catholic Church and He was not going to let me go down so easily.  I also believe that the near death experience was my final warning to get it together too.  Thankfully it worked 🙂

I no longer “hate” my abuser, at least as much as humanly possible, but I do have strong emotions about him, such as; disgust, revulsion, pity, etc.  I have “forgiven” him because how could I do otherwise when I have been so forgiven myself?  God would not like that.

Yet I do have vestiges of those old emotions when I read my friends posts about how they are suffering the ill effects still, the anger, the hurt and pain, depression, etc.  My heart hurts for them, especially since I have so  been there and done that.  I worry for them because I know how suicidal you can become.

And this goes as well for those who suffer abuse through friends and in friendships.  There are people out there, not just those of the opposite sex, that prey on the kind-hearted souls, the generous, caring, unselfish people who would give you the shirt off their backs.  We also have to be sure to note that it’s not just women who are abused in either of these ways because there are men in the same situations.  And the statistics are rising on their side in today’s society.

Why is that do you think?  You have to wonder, don’t you?

Just some thoughts that I had to get off my chest.  Thanks for listening/reading!!

Smiles and blessings to all,
Terri 

Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse

* image source: fanpop.com

*

  I wanted to talk tonight about the life of a woman who is verbally, physically, mentally, or sexually abused.

  I’m not really sure that I understand a great deal about the psychological aspects of this from a technical standpoint nor the jargon they use to describe all of this.  I don’t have any training in psychology or counseling.  I am just talking from the other side of the coin, the abused woman’s perspective.

I’m not sure how I ever ended up being with such a monster as the one I was with, but I do have some thoughts about all this and conclusions that I have reached about my life back then since I am now far removed from it and have a wonderful, truly loving husband that has shown me what a woman is supposed to be treated like.  

I call Mark my “gentle giant”, partly because he towers over me by 7 or 8 inches and partly because that is what he’s like personality wise.  He is gentle, kind, thoughtful, caring, solicitous, etc.  but don’t anybody try to hurt me, Sara or one of his daughters ’cause then you’d have a grizzly bear on your hands.  He is extremely protective of his “girls”, as a man should be.  Mark would rather die than ever raise his hand to a woman or child.  When I asked him to start giving me my MS shots, his response to me was, “I can’t do it, babe, ’cause they hurt you and I just can’t be the cause of any pain to you!”  It took me a long time to convince him to do for me.  It actually came to the point of me sitting one night for an hour trying to give myself the shot and not being able to do it (mental block) and having no other choice but for him to step in and do it for me.

Since I have been online writing this blog, I have “met” several woman who suffered some sort of abuse or all of it.  Some of them are okay now and some still are dealing with the effects of it.  It is heartbreaking to me to see these women still suffering torment, as if they didn’t deserve to recover their lives and become the person they truly are and not what they have been told there were.  

Abuser do that to you, they systematically program you.  They tirade at you for hours on end telling you how worthless you are, trash, dirt, sluts, whores, disgusting, hated by everybody, liars, cheats, etc.  Over time, you start break down.  Your self-esteem goes (however much you had of it in the first place) and then after a little more time, you start believing them.  You feel that you are unlovable, that no one in the world other than them would love you, etc.

They program loyalty into you, their brand of it anyway.  They tell you over and over again what it means to be loyal.  Nothing inside this house ever leaves it.  You never talk about yourself to anyone because people can’t be trusted (which does have a lot of truth in it but not in the way they mean it).  

They systematically start eliminating all threats to their control over you.  They make you alienate friends who might give you strength to stand up to them, family members and relatives are the next to go.  When they are done, they can be assured that you have nowhere to go and, therefore, you can’t leave them.

Life for the abused is a vicious cycle that never ends.  They abuse you, then you get what is termed as “the honeymoon period” where they tell you how sorry they are, beg you to stay, say that it was your fault really but they forgive you and ask you to forgive them.  They shift their guilt onto your shoulders and somehow convince you that they are right.  That will usually only last for about a month or two until the verbal abuse starts up again.  That will build and build in intensity until the full-out rage stage takes over and they hit you.  Then the cycle renews itself.

I used to think to myself, “If I’m such a slut, if I’m all of these things you say I am, then what are you doing with me?”  But they keep you so confused in your mind and emotions that you never get any length of time to realize things for what they truly are, insane.

By now, everyone has heard of “battered woman syndrome” where the woman ends up killing their abuser.  Well, I came within milliseconds of doing that myself on three separate occasions.  I just wanted him to shut up forever, I wanted to be free and didn’t think that there was any other way for me to do it.  Of course I didn’t, the angel that guards me must have been whispering in my ear “don’t do it, you’ll never be able to live with yourself if you do, that’s Sara’s dad and you can’t let her grown up with you in prison for killing her dad” and stuff like that…  

To be continued tomorrow

Can’t Buy My Love

image source: google.com/images

My love you can not buy 
as means of fear to quell

‘Cause the tears I cry
 a wealth of pain do tell

There’s nothing you can try
to dam a bursting well

When it’s all been a lie
in the world you dwell

If inch by inch to die
in a life of living hell

Would my own soul deny
for the evil it’d spell

This I will not do
in any shape or way

No matter what bribe you
offer as means of pay 

 For what was never true
is no longer shaded gray

When threats did once ensue
your sins to never betray

There’s no excuse to use
for the nasty things you’d say 

Payment for which comes due
upon your soul one day!

 Teresa Marie  1/9/12 ©

Daddy, Why?

image source: my.opera.com

Daddy, why is it that you
 the truth can not ever see

When the reality of it is
that a father you’ll never be? 

Oh daddy, why do you always
blame things you’ve done on me? 

And come to think about it
you did the same to mommy.

Oh daddy, I really do hope
that there will come a day

When you will open your eyes
and see it in another way

For it’s what you have done
and the things that you say

Which have pushed me so far
that I just had to get away 

And now you’ve turned your back
on your daughters one, two, three

As you cry out to the world
“How could they do this to me?! “

Oh daddy, I really do pray
you wake up to the reality

That this was never how
I wanted for it to be

But you can’t keep treating others
like they’re dirt under your feet

Daddy, I wish you could see
that it’s only yourself you defeat

When the time comes for you
the end of life to meet

 Remember with God you’re alone
standing before His judgement seat!

Teresa Marie  1/9/12  ©

For my three abandoned girls
I love you all, one, two, three! 

Like a Clown

You treat me
like a clown

Bad-mouthed me
all over town

In your efforts
keeping me down

But it’s you
wearing the frown

 

You don’t see
me coming around

‘Cause the happiness
that I’ve found

Removed the pain
that was profound

When under foot
I was ground

 

No longer do
you fool me

Your true colors
I did see

I choose never
again to be

Under the control
of an enemy

 

When the things
that you do

And the words
coming from you

Cause me pain
and hurt too

Shouldn’t I say
that I’m through?

 

If you really
do love  me

Why won’t you
set me free?

If you wish
happiness I’d see

Time that you
let me be!

Teresa Marie  9/30/11

For you Puddin’ Pie!  I love you xoxoxo

Runaway

Told you one day
I would run away

Weathered seams that fray
as my life decay

Wouldn’t live this way
where I’d alway pay

When I did betray
’cause I went astray

Games my mother play
is what you say

Made me a runaway
to your total dismay

But feet of clay
is what you display

When your temper got away
you hit me that day!

Teresa Marie  9/29/11

So Very Small

You make me feel
so very small

Like I’m a bug
on the wall

That you can swat
at any time

But I’m a child
what’s my crime?

I want a place
I can hide

Where I’ll ride out
your anger’s tide

I can’t understand it
what’d I do

Making you hate me?
I love you

Not the little girl
to control anymore

I’ve found my way
out the door

I’m in a place
they love me

From all your abuse
I’m almost free

I still have listen
when you call

But someday I won’t
answer at all

You could easily stop
this whole mess

Yet you won’t is
what I guess!

Teresa Marie  9/26/11
For Sara Jayne – I love you Punkin’ Pie

 

 

When You’re Abused

When you are abused
left battered and bruised

Of betrayal are accused
control is being  used

All truth is refused
and again you’re abused

 

Their power over you
affects what you do

Distorts point of view
of the world too

Scars you all through
dictating what you do

 

How did it begin?
Gotta be a sin

Hell you live in
no freedom to win

Cry amidst the din
Isn’t it a sin?

 

To all those around
pretending sane and sound

Feel you’re being drowned
into the dirt ground

No beauty being found
you die without a sound!

 Teresa Marie  9/24/11

The Gooseberry Garden Picnic Week 10 submission #2

A Comment That I Want to Share With You All

This is a comment that I received on my poem “Think He Can See Me?” and I really wanted to be sure that everyone got a chance to read it.  Therefore, I am reposting here.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

 

There is hope…may I share this that has helped me over the years of healing:

I’ve carried this article around with me for years, and it never fails to pick me up after a fall or slump.  The words Veronica wrote here touch abused women to the very core…and enable healing to begin.  Read it, feel it, make it part of your wardrobe…and please pass it on to other women who need the hope of a better life.  Thank you! 

~

After a while…you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand

and chaining a soul

and you learn…

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

~

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up high and your eyes ahead

with the grace of a woman

not the grief of a child

and you learn…

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

~

After a while you learn…

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting

for someone to bring you flowers.

~

And you learn…

that you really can endure

that you really are strong

and you really do have worth

and you learn…

and you learn…

with every goodbye, you learn.

~by Veronica A. Shoffstall

I have to add to this another comment that I received to this posting that may be useful to the abused:

abused women face fear fight huge daily life questions need answerrs to trust 24-7-365 our free SPREAD THE WORD TALK WITH THE LORD program inspoires daily talks catch they need your help with first question our blogs help g hubbard po box 2232 ponte vedra fl 32004 http://talkwiththelord.blogspot.com.

abused women face fear fight huge daily life questions need answerrs to trust 24-7-365 our free SPREAD THE WORD TALK WITH THE LORD program inspoires daily talks catch they need your help with first question our blogs help g hubbard po box 2232 ponte vedra fl 32004 http://talkwiththelord.blogspot.com.

genehubbard2@bellsouth.net
eugene hubbard
1