I’m still here, breathing in and out every day, but that’s about it.
After I was last on here, I was getting ready for the Artisan’s Market. Well it was a lot of work and they were very disappointed with their turn out. It had been a couple of years since they had it due to the fact that they were building their new church. I was not thrilled when, in the first 2 hours of the day, I had only sold one item. But the crowd did pick up and I think I probably came out better than a lot of them did. After the table cost and my voluntary 10% donation to the church, I made a little over $100. It really could have been much better. I guess, I will either have to break down and do one of the local festivals next time but I always worry about the cost of the booth at those things vs. what you make. I don’t know. I’m definitely going to get some of my stuff into the consignment shops in town for the Christmas season.
All in all, things were doing okay – I just missed Mark a lot. Since harvest started, I got to see him for maybe an hour a day and that’s it. 😦
Then on Monday I got an e-mail from mom and, after reading the first few lines, bust out bawling. Sara came running into the room in a panic. She was too little to remember the fits of depressions at the beginning of my MS and has only heard stories about it, so it really scared her.
The e-mail said that dad had gone to my brothers to ride the bike, which he does every day, and had fallen in the driveway. He lay there for a while and nobody saw him to come and help him up. That’s where I started crying. I could only imagine my dad there helpless. The man who was always larger than life to me. IT BROKE MY HEART! It went on to say that he had finally gotten himself up and drove home. Then mom took him to the hospital. She said is arm was in a sling and she didn’t know how well she was going to be able to help him get around.
I was a basket case. I sent her an e-mail back and said that Sara and I would be over Tuesday after school to see him. When I called on Tuesday to say we would be on our way over soon, mom said they were at the hospital admitting dad because she couldn’t take care of him. I asked why not and she said, “Well, with that broken shoulder, it’s just too much for me.” Well, I lost it again! She had not said that dad broke his shoulder in her e-mail. She said that he had told her that he was sorry for being so much trouble for her.
I’ve been crying on and off for days now. I know my dad, I know he was already fighting depression and I know what this is going to do to him.
We went to see him in the hospital on Thursday because I just couldn’t get myself together enough to go before that. I didn’t want to walk in there a basket case or crying. I couldn’t take it for long. We had a short visit, he was tired and wanted to sleep anyway, thank God.
They are going to keep him until Sunday and then transfer him to an extended care facility for rehab. He is going to hate it!
I told Mark today that, if I’m this bad with him just being hospitalized, Lord only knows what I’m going to do when he passes on. I know I would probably handle things better if I weren’t already fighting this MS depression relapse. I like to think so anyway.
I just wanted to fill you all in on why I haven’t been here. The two poems that I just posted are pretty dark, but well show my state of mind right now. I owe a few of you an e-mail too but haven’t written because I don’t want to depressing to you too. Everyone is used to my positive and upbeat outlook that I know you are concerned for me and I appreciate it more deeply than you could ever know!
My thoughts are always with you all, my friends!
Love and God bless,