I’m Still Here, Barely

Hello dear friends,

I’m still here but the stress has taken it’s toll.  Between my dad, Sara’s suicide watches, Mark’s rare heart diseases, and now my other brother’s cancer that requires aggressive chemotherapy, I’ve been rocked to the core.  I know you’ve been wondering and I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging but I just couldn’t find it in me to write.  I’ve immersed myself into my clay but that’s not even come easily.  I have to make myself do something every day, rather than wanting to.  I know this will all pass, it will go as God wills it, and …  My brother was the last straw, and he won’t even talk to me 😦 .

I cutting this shorter than what I meant to but the tears are flowing again and I just can’t…

Love and blessings to you all, Terri

When Darkness Fell

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The Lighter Side

the lighter side-001

Update on Family & Pics of New Characters and Scenes (almost done)

I don’t know how it happened; this post was supposed to go with the Spinning poem but ended up in my drafts folder instead, gee I wonder?!  lol!   Better late than never, right?

Yes, as you can see with my poem, I’ve finally hit the wall and suffered a stress fracture!  lol.  Actually I’ve been sick for 3 weeks now, or more, I can’t remember for sure the last time I felt good.

The doctor started Mark on the first option of med’s on the 15th.  I had to contact the on-call doc on Friday evening, after a nerve-wracking day of worry.  I told Mark on Thurs. evening that he looked rundown.  On Friday, he was real lethargic and just not himself.  I was getting ready to run get Sara after school  and went to tell him.  At first I couldn’t find him but then noticed the bedroom door was closed.  I yelled out that I was leaving and asked if he was okay.  He said yes, but I knew he was lying.  I opened the door and said so.  “How do you know I’m lying?”  he asked me.

“Mark!  We’ve just had our 8th anniversary, I know my husband better than he thinks apparently.  The only time you get away with doing it, like you just did, is ’cause I let you!  Good thing you don’t try it often.”

Looking closer at him, I noticed he was kinda ashy and his face looked like somebody had punched it, extremely swollen.  No wonder he had kept out of my sight for most of the day!  He said he was fine for me to leave him alone for 20 minutes.  I flew there and back.  Then he was back up and I saw how inflamed his whole body was.  Scared me to death!  I grabbed the phone and called immediately.

Long story short; I had to monitor his blood pressure over the weekend and if it got up to 160, take him immediately to the ER; he had to stop the new med’s; we couldn’t travel anywhere (which normally wouldn’t matter except my son was getting married 90 miles away!!!!!!)  All this occurred at 10:45 pm and I had to call him around 11:15 to tell him that I would not be able to come see him get married.  I was bawling my eyes out!  He said that he understood but I still heard the hurt in his voice.  Then I had to call my eldest daughter to tell her that I would get Sara out there to ride with her but Mark & I would not be going.  At first she was dead silent and I burst out bawling all over again.

“I don’t know what to say mom, I’m sorry.  Did you call Blaine yet?”  “Yes”  “What did he say?”  “He understood”  “I’m sure he does”  “I still know he’s hurt”  “I’m sure he is!  I don’t want this to sound mean, so please don’t take it that way but I’m just talking from the other side of the coin here.”  (I already had an idea what was coming)  “What?”  “I just really sucks to be your kid sometimes.  It was already bad enough before with you always being sick so much, but now with Mark too, that’s just that much more stuff you will miss out on being there for!  Look at all the things you’ve already missed.”  Bawling more, “I kn-know but I c-c-can’t help it!”  “WE ALL KNOW THAT, MOM!  We don’t blame you at all, that’s what I meant when I said that it sucks being your kid.  You know I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world!!  Mark either, we all just wish you weren’t sick.”  “How do you think I feel?!”

I told her that I thought about getting someone to come stay with him while I was gone but there’s no way I could do that and not be a basket case the hold time I was gone, just the worry alone would ruin the whole day for me and I didn’t want to be a downer to the celebration.  Could you just imagine if I had gone 90 miles away and got a call saying “We had to take Mark to the hospital?”  I’d probably kill myself just trying to get home fast enough, not to mention the worst case scenario.

Everybody understood, Mark said to go anyway, of course that didn’t happen and now I have one more guilt to live with concerning my children 😦  I am trying my hardest to brush it off but it’s not working well enough to keep my depression in check.  I hit that Saturday night.  

NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF IT!!!!  I know this, they know this, God knows this, easier said than done too.

I used to ask God why I had to go through all the abuse and crap with Sara’s dad, what He was strengthening me for?  How strong did I have to be in the future?  I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around for it.  Today, I think I know why, it was a stress tolerance exercise!

I’m trying to keep busy and occupy my mind as much as possible but with being sick so much it’s not easy.  I did want to share with you the latest things that I’ve been working on.  They could be better but I think I’m still doing pretty good for only starting back in November or so of last year, don’t you?  I find that I can do the sculpting better than the canes because, with them, you have to be able to apply equal pressure with both hands during construction and then again when reducing; for me with the MS, that’s impossible.  Therefore, the pattern is never straight in my canes 😦  Oh well, I am having fun with these characters anyway.

Thanks to you all for those thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement!!  I couldn’t do it without your support.  Forgive me being negligent with the updates.

Love, hugs and blessings to all,  Terri   

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Spinning

spinning

Crushed (the poem that didn’t get attached)

reality

Crushed (and update on Mark)

 

I don’t want to believe it.  I told Mark last night that I was so very scared about his “procedure” today.  He told me not to worry about it ’cause he knew it was just the hole had gotten bigger and they’d fix it.  I told him I didn’t think so and my heart of heart’s told me it was worse than that.  He asked me what I thought it was.  I said blockage, open heart surgery.

I never in a million years dreamed that it would be even worse than that!!!!!

Mark has a very rare heart condition called pulmonary hypertension.  The doctor who worked on him today said that name means that the blood pressure of his heart is too high and they have no idea what causes it.  He is going to try his best to treat it here BUT the medicine is very expensive and there are only a handful of clinics in the country who deal with treating this condition.  If he can’t help Mark, he will be sent to one of these clinics in Chicago.

I can’t take this!!!!  I am crushed, overwhelmed, I don’t even have a word that is close enough to conveying how I feel.  Shock is putting it mildly.  I thought I was prepared.  I thought God had forewarned me that it was going to be bad, but this?????????????????

Why does it have to be something so RARE?????????????????  Can anyone reasonably expect to receive more than one miracle in their life, more than two miracles for a couple?  I’m afraid to believe that there will be another, what if there’s not?  I wouldn’t survive it.

Your prayers are needed more than ever before!

SPEECHLESS

Spinning

 

spinning

That’s just how I’ve felt lately 😦

Here’s where we are at now:

Mark is still not fully recovered from surgery and I’m worried about how much permanent damage was done to his spine.

Dad got his results back from the cancer tests and there were negative, thank You Jesus!  He went and saw the neuro-surgeon that just did Mark’s surgery and he told dad that he could “cement” the fractures in his spine.  At first, after he told dad the risks, dad said that he didn’t want to do it.  Mom and I guessed it was because he wasn’t hurting that bad when he was there but has since changed his mind.  He goes in this evening to talk to the doctor about setting it up.

Mark’s youngest daughter, 22, has to have her gallbladder,  in the next couple days, removed because of it being full of stones.  She is scared, never had surgery before.

The grand-kids came to spend a couple days and poor Emily is sick.  Hope I don’t get it.

I want to push the stop button and get off now, okay?

Thank you to all for your loving support and prayers!!!!

Love and blessings to all,
Terri

The Curse

the curse

 

You are loved in this world and even more beyond!

Cinderella of Another Sort

cinderella