My Need

need to please


First One for 2013

Hi to all my friends!!  My first post for 2013.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year holiday.  You know how mine was going 😦 but this year is already getting better, thank the dear Lord!!

My check finally arrived on the 4th and I was able to actually get the gas company to fill our tank that same day.  The first thing Mark said was “Crank up that heat!!”  We are now warm and cozy.

Dad came home from the hospital last Friday and is doing better mentally since he got home.  He always seems to get so disoriented when he’s not there.  They don’t know for sure when they will be able to leave for Florida but are hoping for sometime next week.

Penny is doing better.  She has been released to drive now and that helps just knowing that she can go somewhere if she needs/wants to without having to have someone else take her.  She feels less like a burden.

I got a special treat last week too.  I was checking our stats on the shop and there was a message showing.  When I opened it, I was delighted to find an invitation.  It was from Main Street Artisans.  They asked if we would be interested in joining their group of artisans and displaying some of our “art” in their online store.  I asked them to e-mail me the particulars and said I was honored that they would like to include us.

When I received the info, I was thrilled to find out that it is actually a local shop and they have invited us to put stuff in that shop as well.  We can either rent a booth or do it on consignment.  Isn’t that cool?!!

I had been working on some new clay techniques anyway and thought I would share a few things with you today along with the update.

First up are some jewelry sets that I created using canes I bought from a lady on Etsy.  I even made rings to match with these sets.

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And now, these are from canes that I made.  The first two sets are pins with matching earrings.

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I hope you enjoyed the display as much as I did creating them.

Thank you for your prayers and support over the last few months, they helped tremendously!!!  Looks like this year has gotten of to a much better start and I am encouraged that it will continue on that path! 

Love and hugs to you all, God bless,


I Had No Choice But To Do It Now

Hi everybody!  I had no choice but to do another post today and ask for even more prayer.  Mom just called and they are admitting dad to the hospital with pneumonia.  She said his left lung is full of fluid.  He has been sick with the flu since after Christmas and debating whether to go to the ER for the last couple of days but they’ve been so many this year that she was afraid Medicare would stop paying for it.  It appears that they waited too long.  Please pray for him!  I guess it’s good that he’s here and not in Florida.  They were delayed in leaving because of the snow, thank God!!

My ordeal started at the beginning of December.  I told Sara that this would be a great lesson for her about counting your chickens before they hatched.  She didn’t know what that meant, lol, so I had to explain it to her but I’m sure you all will get it right away.

Mark definitely hasn’t been happy with me at all over this whole catastrophe!

It all started in September.  I got a letter from my pension fund that my old company was offering me a buyout option.  Since I would only be collecting $60 a month from it, and we needed the money now, I decided to take them up on it.  We had to have all the paperwork filled out and turned in by the first of November.  My benefit to be paid out at the first of December.

With me starting up the store and all, I used some of Mark’s harvest overtime money to purchase supplies and stock my store.  I figured that he wouldn’t be done with harvest until some time in November anyway and I’d replace that money when I got my payout.  The way the weather was doing, I wasn’t too worried about filling our LP tank until around the first part of December either, we had over 20% still left in it to begin with.

I was getting quite a nice sum.  Planned on paying off a lot of bills, fixing my car that’s been broken down since before Thanksgiving, and so on.

Well, the first rolls around and no money.  I called and asked what was going on.  I was told that there were so many people who decided to take the buyout that they were overwhelmed and the checks were delayed for a week or so.  Then a week turned into two.  The weather got cold and we started using up the gas faster.  I had to turn the heat down to 64 to slow the progress.  It’s cold in here and we have to walk around with layered clothing.  Right now I’m sitting here with thick socks on, sweat pants, a tee-shirt and a chenille sweater.  I have a lap blanket too.

When the money still had not arrived by the middle of December, I called them again and was told that they had to set up two runs for the payments and mine was in the second one.  Now I would not be getting my check deposit until Christmas Eve.  I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  Mark was furious with me!!  I told him that I knew it was my fault and all I could do was say that I was sorry.  I was bawling for days.  He said that it better be here by then or s— was going to hit the fan.

I went on site to check on it the 21st and it showed that the electronic transfer was processed for deposit on the 24th.  I thanked God that Christmas would not be totally ruined and Mark could go ahead and use his paycheck to get presents for his family gathering on Christmas Eve.

Not so fast, and this is where the suicidal thoughts came in.  That morning I went to check my bank account and no money!!!!  I got on the phone to the bank first, just making sure that they were not holding it for 24 hours like they do a check you hand deposit.  They said no.

I call the pension people, now a total wreck, and found out that they sent it to the wrong bank transit number!!  A week or two prior, one of their ladies and I had caught that error and fixed it.  We even laughed about how upset I would have been if we hadn’t.  And they still sent it to the wrong number!!!!!!!!!

I think Mark and Sara were doing a watch on me all day.  I was in no shape to go to his parent’s house so they went by themselves but came home a couple of times to check on me and see if I was up to coming over, supposedly.

I was told that I now had to wait until the money bounced back to them before they could get it issued in a physical check and mail it to me.  That is, of course, as long as that number didn’t actually go to a real bank.  If it did, then I would have to go to that bank and negotiate the return of my funds!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my world!  I still have not received my money yet, though it is supposedly on the way.  We have less than 10% gas left.  All the people that I made payment arrangements with to pay-off on the 1st are still waiting for their money.  A couple even threatened to sue. 

IT HAS BEEN A HELL OF MY OWN CREATION!  Who would ever have thought this would happen?  We are talking about TRW (my employer) and Fidelity (pension holder)!  They are not some mom and pop operation and have no excuse, in my book, for how this all turned out.  They not only ruined Christmas for my little family, who have received nothing as of this date, but now my New Year’s Eve plans with my grandchildren as well!

Now we are faced with dad in the hospital too.  I fear that he is not going to make it through this winter.  So, again, I must enlist my prayer warriors in cyberspace to do their thing!!

Thank you all for listening to me whine, for commenting, for praying and just for being my friends!!!!!!!!!!

When I say that I couldn’t have done it without you, I truly mean it!!!

God bless, Terri

A Place To Hide

place to hide

Image source:

I have not been on here for a few days because I couldn’t talk about what’s been going on in my world yet.  This poem will worry some of you, dear friends, but please don’t let it.  This is a statement of mindset and NOT of intent.  I would ask you to say a few prayers for me, however, for my life to bounce back from my latest crisis quickly.  I promise to tell you more very soon, I just can’t get into it quite yet.

With that said, I hope you all had a better holiday than I did and I want to wish you all a safe and very, very Happy New Year!!!

With my love and God’s blessings,


Hearts Broken

Hearts broken

My Little Boat

Homeward Bound After the Storm by Monica Vanzant via Fine Art AmericaImage source:

  Homeward Bound After the Storm by Monica Vanzant via Fine Art America

Just Illusion and Lie?



For my Penny-girl; Clinging to life, grasping at straws, fighting the good fight, but what of the war?

I love you my dearest friend!  I understand too.

The Other Side of Gray

Still Breathing

I’m still here, breathing in and out every day, but that’s about it.

After I was last on here, I was getting ready for the Artisan’s Market.  Well it was a lot of work and they were very disappointed with their turn out. It had been a couple of years since they had it due to the fact that they were building their new church.  I was not thrilled when, in the first 2 hours of the day, I had only sold one item.  But the crowd did pick up and I think I probably came out better than a lot of them did.  After the table cost and my voluntary 10% donation to the church, I made a little over $100.  It really could have been much better.  I guess, I will either have to break down and do one of the local festivals next time but I always worry about the cost of the booth at those things vs. what you make.  I don’t know.  I’m definitely going to get some of my stuff into the consignment shops in town for the Christmas season.

All in all, things were doing okay – I just missed Mark a lot.  Since harvest started, I got to see him for maybe an hour a day and that’s it. 😦

Then on Monday I got an e-mail from mom and, after reading the first few lines, bust out bawling.  Sara came running into the room in a panic.  She was too little to remember the fits of depressions at the beginning of my MS and has only heard stories about it, so it really scared her.

The e-mail said that dad had gone to my brothers to ride the bike, which he does every day, and had fallen in the driveway.  He lay there for a while and nobody saw him to come and help him up.  That’s where I started crying.  I could only imagine my dad there helpless.  The man who was always larger than life to me.  IT BROKE MY HEART!  It went on to say that he had finally gotten himself up and drove home.  Then mom took him to the hospital.  She said is arm was in a sling and she didn’t know how well she was going to be able to help him get around.

I was a basket case.  I sent her an e-mail back and said that Sara and I would be over Tuesday after school to see him.  When I called on Tuesday to say we would be on our way over soon, mom said they were at the hospital admitting dad because she couldn’t take care of him.  I asked why not and she said, “Well, with that broken shoulder, it’s just too much for me.”  Well, I lost it again!  She had not said that dad broke his shoulder in her e-mail.  She said that he had told her that he was sorry for being so much trouble for her.

I’ve been crying on and off for days now.  I know my dad, I know he was already fighting depression and I know what this is going to do to him.

We went to see him in the hospital on Thursday because I just couldn’t get myself together enough to go before that.  I didn’t want to walk in there a basket case or crying.  I couldn’t take it for long.  We had a short visit, he was tired and wanted to sleep anyway, thank God.

They are going to keep him until Sunday and then transfer him to an extended care facility for rehab.  He is going to hate it!

I told Mark today that, if I’m this bad with him just being hospitalized, Lord only knows what I’m going to do when he passes on.  I know I would probably handle things better if I weren’t already fighting this MS depression relapse.  I like to think so anyway.

I just wanted to fill you all in on why I haven’t been here.  The two poems that I just posted are pretty dark, but well show my state of mind right now.  I owe a few of you an e-mail too but haven’t written because I don’t want to depressing to you too.  Everyone is used to my positive and upbeat outlook that I know you are concerned for me and I appreciate it more deeply than you could ever know!

My thoughts are always with you all, my friends!

Love and God bless,


Shades of Black