“Mother…” Aniela no longer trembled at the prospect of her mother’s wrath, but the thought of disappointing her would always be like lemon juice on an open wound.
“It’s time for me to get my own place.” It was time for her to be a big girl, get her own space, learn how to drive and do her own laundry. ”I hope you know this has nothing to do with you, I love you mom, but I need…” she was going to say “peace” but that would sound bad. ”To do this on my own.” She offered a half heart’d smile.
It was time to move on with her life, start a new chapter. She would always love her mother, always crave her approval, but she needed a clarity she would never get living in the manor. Even though she was leaving the safety of her childhood home and her mother’s protective, even if sometimes overbearing bosom, she knew this was the right decision. She just had to break it to her mother. Aniela took a deep breath and let it out slowly, watching herself in the mirror.
-Eliabeth Hawthorne
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*image source: bing.com
The daughter replied, ‘Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.’
They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’
Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’
‘Well…I’m not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is – her next trip back will be for my funeral,’ she said.
‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I pray you enough.’ May I ask what that means?’
She began to smile. ‘That’s a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used t o say it to everyone.’ She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I pray you enough,’ we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’
Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Then, she began to cry, and walked away.
They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
* Only if you pray, send this to the people you will never forget
TAKE TIME TO LIVE……
To all my friends and loved ones,
I PRAY YOU ENOUGH…….
I mourn for the innocence
that to me is lost
Is there no recompenses
for what it has cost?
I mourn for a childhood
not allowed to see
For you have stolen
it away from me
I mourn the friends
you would not allow
Even though I do
have a few somehow
I mourn the time
you took from me
When you made sure
mom I couldn’t see
Now it’s your turn
time’s come to pay
And it may hurt
as I walk away
No longer will you do
things to me you’ve done
I won’t have to mourn
in the new life begun
I know that God
everything does see
And He is blessing
the life ahead of me!
Teresa Marie 9/1/11
Hold your head high, Sara! Don’t let anyone ever take that you from.
I love you more than life itself, Mom
If I could just run away
and escape my fear and pain
If it’s only for one day
then I might not go insane
Dear Lord, You must help me
or I won’t make it through
Mommy, why can’t I be happy?
That’s all I want to do
I am sorry that I cry
seems every time we talk
But on you do I rely
to push me when I balk
Oh Mommy, Mommy, dear Mommy
you make me laugh out loud
That’s why I call, you see,
you make me strong and proud
No matter how bad I feel
when I pick up the phone
My sadness you will steal
and I know I’m not alone!
Teresa Marie 8/11/11
For you, Shawna Marie, with all my love!
When you’re in jail, time passes very slowly and 45 days is forever. That’s how long I ended up in there again! It could have been shorter if I had let my mom bail me out, it was a $1500 bond, but I told her not to. The reason I did that was because the court was saying that I owed them the money. I didn’t owe them a dime and I refused to have her pay the bond then not get it back when I got out!! I’ll tell you, this whole ordeal has been an object lesson for me on the power of forgiving and forgetting. I must admit, writing about it now stirs up some of that old outrage in me. The lack of compassion was one thing, but you’d think they would have bent over backwards to make sure I didn’t sue them.
Anyway, back to where I left off. Each day brought a small amount of progress. I could walk a few more step before losing my balance; I could sit on the bench without falling off; I could hit my mouth with the food and so on. Of course, it was all God‘s doing! I’m sure my constant rosary praying enlisted the help of the Virgin Mary also! What Son can refuse His Mother? I’m surprised there were any beads left on that string by the time I got out! I remember one time a C.O. asked me what I was hiding in my hand. I opened it and she said, “What is that?” I told her and she just looked at me. Good thing she didn’t try to take it from me, that wouldn’t have gone well!
I spent my time reading the Bible, praying and doing my own brand of physical therapy. By the time my 45 days were up, the judge call me to court. They came to the pod, got me, took me to the front, shackled me, and transported me to the courthouse. You should have seen me trying to walk in those shackles and keep my balance. When I went before the bench, she was pretty crappy to me. She asked me why I thought I didn’t have to appear in court like everybody else that gets subpoenaed. I told her I never got one and asked where it was sent. She said I ought to know, I signed for it. I told her that I didn’t. She read off where it was sent. That’s when I got a little crappy myself. They sent it to an address that I lived at 17 years earlier! She wanted to know why someone would sign for a subpoena that wasn’t theirs. Like I should know? Finally, she released me. My mom said she would follow us back to the jail and wait for me in the parking lot.
Oh happy day! I was a bit worried about what Mark was going to say when he saw just how bad off I was. I’ll tell you right now, God is so good to me! We were only engaged at this point in time. When I got home, Mark was so great! He was a wonderful caretaker. I know that I scared him to death a few times when he was in another room and heard a big thud. He’d come running out just as I was trying to pick myself up off the floor and then ask me why I didn’t ask him to get whatever I needed! I wasn’t good at being an invalid. I was also determined not to be.
You know you have a good man when he marries you after you’ve become disabled. My progress was slow going. It had nerve-wracking ebbs and flows. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be able to regain as much as I have, but again God is good to me. Now remember, at this point we still didn’t know what had happened to me. I made a doctor’s appointment immediately. My eldest daughter had started seeing my doctor prior to my going to jail and had informed him somewhat on what had been going on. When I got in to see him, he was hot, hot, hot! He thought that I might have had a stroke also. Though he never said it, I think he has other suspicions too. He order an MRI for me at the hospital, but I didn’t have insurance so I kept putting it off.
Then I got really sick. Mark, having gone through pneumonia with me before, knew right away what was wrong with me. After a couple of days, he was tired to my excuses and said, “You’re going to the hospital!” So, I called my mom the next morning while Mark was at work. I never thought they would admit me, but they did. So, since I was already there, I asked if they could do the MRI too and they did.
The following day a doctor walked into the room. She introduced herself and said she was a neurologist. Then she dropped the bombshell on me, MS. I had no clue about this disease. She said she couldn’t stay but wanted to give me the results right away and she would be back to follow-up with me. The MRI showed that I had suffered two attacks. The first left a smaller lesion, which probably wasn’t real noticeable, but the second was a fairly large one and had caused all the damage. The only thing that I could think of was that it is a crippling illness. Of course, I know a whole lot more now. I didn’t know that there were two different types of MS. One will go into remission and the other won’t. Thank the Lord, mine does.
MS usually strikes from mid-twenties to mid-thirties. I was 46. Like I said before, your immune system attacks your own body. What results from the attacks are lesions on the brain. Those lesions, scars really, cause the electrical impulse transmissions of the brain to be interrupted or broken. I think it’s real similar to a stroke in that aspect.
Here is what I was left with at that time: impaired motor skills, equilibrium, vision, speech, thought processes, and short term memory loss. I found out the reason I was hurting all the time was fibromyalgia, which is a chronic pain disease. I was depressed because that is part of MS. I had developed restless leg syndrome where my muscles in my calves cramp up, my legs jump and twitch involuntarily, it feels like pins and needles being stuck in you, and causes a creepy/crawly sensation. It’s awful.
So, as a result, I had at least a dozen medications that I had to take, some twice a day and some three times a day. I had a real hard time with all these pills, so Mark went and bought me a 7 day-4 times a day pill case. I would sit down each week with his teenage daughter and we would stock the case. I had a hard time swallowing my pills and gagged on them often. Several of them caused me to have a dry mouth, so I had to carry hard candy with me everywhere I went. I have to take a shot once a week. These shots are very, very expensive but God provided! The neurologist gave me some paperwork to fill out and send in to the drug manufacturer for assistance. I have been on a special program for 6 years now that supplies my shots for free. Thank you Jesus!! It’s been a trial of patience and perseverance. Without the support of my family, Mark’s family, and God’s constant blessings, I don’t think I could have done it.
Stay tuned for part V. I’m trying to split this up a little so that it’s not too much to read at one time, ’cause there is a whole lot more to my story. So…
Always remember that Jesus died for us because He loves us!
Teresa Marie
What about God? 