Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse – Continued

*image source: wallpaperway.com

The distorted ways that these men look at the world, over time, start to rub off on you.  You fight it as much as you can, but after any length of time, you find yourself falling into their psychosis.  One of the things though, I am proud to say, that he could never take from me was my faith in God.  Oh, he tried, believe me!  

I would be subjected to rants for hours on how there was no God or Jesus and how we came from aliens.  I would then say, “Well, where did the aliens first come from then?”  I don’t even remember now what his answer for that one was.  I think of it now and how he has tried to do the same thing to our daughter and I have to laugh about how absurd it all is.  Most of the time I would just think to myself, “yeah, you’re just afraid to believe because, if you did, then you’d have to suffer the guilt for all the mean, nasty things that you have done in your life time and you sure aren’t gonna do that, are you!”

Then I begin to wonder, “Is that one of the reasons God let me have a near death experience?”  Maybe it was to save my daughter from his delusions.  He already tried to take my faith and couldn’t but she is a child.  Maybe her saving grace was Mark and I telling her about our “deaths” and what it was like to “feel” the glorious heaven that awaits us.  Seems plausible to me.

I had a counselor tell me one time that the average cycle for an abused woman is 5 to 7 years.  I was abused for between 13 – 14 years, twice the norm.  She told me about the rage issues that I would be dealing with and how I was going to have to reprogram my mind.  I didn’t really do too well at any of that until God gave me Mark.

In all honesty, he is the one who has done the reprogramming, not me.  God healed my soul and spirit, Mark healed my heart and mind.  If I had never found true, unselfish, unconditional love here on this earth, I would probably still be floundering or dead by now.

I don’t know why God chose to bless me so greatly.  I have thought about this endlessly in the past.  I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t earn it, but it was given to me all the same.  I came to the conclusion that it must be all of the praying that was done for me, along with the fact that I was dedicated to Him at birth in the Catholic Church and He was not going to let me go down so easily.  I also believe that the near death experience was my final warning to get it together too.  Thankfully it worked 🙂

I no longer “hate” my abuser, at least as much as humanly possible, but I do have strong emotions about him, such as; disgust, revulsion, pity, etc.  I have “forgiven” him because how could I do otherwise when I have been so forgiven myself?  God would not like that.

Yet I do have vestiges of those old emotions when I read my friends posts about how they are suffering the ill effects still, the anger, the hurt and pain, depression, etc.  My heart hurts for them, especially since I have so  been there and done that.  I worry for them because I know how suicidal you can become.

And this goes as well for those who suffer abuse through friends and in friendships.  There are people out there, not just those of the opposite sex, that prey on the kind-hearted souls, the generous, caring, unselfish people who would give you the shirt off their backs.  We also have to be sure to note that it’s not just women who are abused in either of these ways because there are men in the same situations.  And the statistics are rising on their side in today’s society.

Why is that do you think?  You have to wonder, don’t you?

Just some thoughts that I had to get off my chest.  Thanks for listening/reading!!

Smiles and blessings to all,
Terri 

My Thursday Thoughts – Death and Dying

Are you afraid to die?  I used to be terrified to the point of panic.  I’m saddened that my eldest daughter has suffered the same affliction, though it is getting better the more she pursues God and after my experience with the Light.  Why do I have Light capitalized?  Because I am not sure if the Light  that came to me was Jesus or one of my angels.  I have had conflicting feelings about that point but the more I have thought about it, the more I think it was Him and therefore I want to afford Jesus the respect and honor that He deserves!

I never thought about it before just this very second, but it could have been the Holy Spirit that came to me that early morning in jail when I was dying.  But, if it was, that still deserves a capital L.  In the end it really doesn’t matter that much who it was because of the fact that it did happen to me.  All in all, that’s what is most important.  When you are honored with a glimpse of what awaits us after this life, you don’t fear death but rather you long for it.  I love my husband, children and family very deeply and don’t want to leave them any time soon but the love, comfort and peace that is waiting for my spirit/soul after I shed this body is indescribable!

My husband had a very vivid dream one night that he and I went together.  If I remember right, it happened in a car crash which is not an enticing thought but I told him that I was going to hold him to it.  He can’t die without me, that’s the pact we made the next morning.  In reality he is as healthy as a horse and 3 years younger than me and I have M.S. which is still considered a terminal disease because there is no cure for it.  The shots that I have to take every week only minimize the attacks and prolong the remissions.  So, truth be told, if anyone is going to die first, it would probably be me.  Mark says that I can’t leave him here alone because he would be lost without me, God bless him, hence the pact we made before the Lord Himself.

When you combine my experiences with all of Mark’s, there is no way that you fear the day it will come.  It is a comfort that has sustained me through some very rough times.  My self-determined rehabilitation after that major attack in jail would never have been what it was without the blessing, favor and miracles of my Lord and Savior!  And my gratitude to Him knows no bounds.  I could cry right now just at the thought of  what wonderful gifts I have been privileged to receive from the Divine One, it overwhelms me at times like this when I talk about it.  You don’t have an encounter with Christ like the one I have had without being profoundly effected!

When I was still afraid of death, I used to watch for books by people who had a near-death experience.  One of the first ones that I ever read was “Embraced By The Light” by Betty J. Eadie.  What a beautiful story!  If you ever get the chance to read it, I highly recommend that you do.  A wonderful lady.  After I read it, I longed to have an encounter with the spiritual realm.  Now that I have, I long for more!

Death is nothing to fear unless you don’t have Christ in your life.  After my visit by the demons from hell when I was 19 years old, I think that deepened my fear of death greatly.  I was afraid because I knew that I wasn’t right with God and the reality of hell was terrifying after I knew for a fact that it exists.  Those demons were not a figment of my imagination or a hallucination or anything else, they were as real as you and me.  The pure evil and hatred that emanated from them shot straight through my soul.  I impulsively tense up when writing about this, that’s how horrifying they were!  Please, I beg you, don’t take the chance of going where they came from!  My spirit grieves for those who are in the pit right now.  Until tomorrow…

Always remember that Jesus died for us because He loves us!

May you feel the embrace of the Light today,
Teresa Marie

My Wednesday Thoughts – The Presence of God at Death

I’m going to tell you a couple of stories today but first I must say this:
I forgot to discuss the first one with my husband last night before I told you and the second is a story that my best friend Peggy told me years ago.  So they will be told via my faulty memory banks.  The details may not be exactly correct but the crux of it is what matters.

When I say “the presence of God at death”, I am speaking of His presence in the sense of Jesus, angels, and deceased loved ones.  To me it all is the same, not saying that angels are the same as God and Jesus but they are His agents and so are deceased loved ones that are sent as His messengers.  You’ll see what I mean in a minute.

Mark was married a few times before we met.  His second wife, Dina, had 2 daughters.  When the younest was 8 years old, they found out that she had an inoperable brain tumor.  She was sent home to spend her last days there under the care of Hospice.  Mark spent most of his time with her when he wasn’t at work.  It was heartbreaking for him and Dina both.  My husband loved her as his own in the same manner that he loves my children. 

When my daughter was 7, this is what he told her when she asked him if he loved her, “Yes, I do.  You know why?  I love you because I love your mother so much and you are a part of her, so I love you too!”  See why I cherish him so very deeply?

Anyway, I don’t remember her name.  I should but regrettably don’t so we will call her Jenny.  She wasn’t afraid of dying at the tender young age she was and the reason was this, she knew where she was going.  How did she know?  Jenny had been told by the angel who visited her regularly at the side of her bed.  He comforted and soothed her, he gave her a gift that was transferred to my husband in the time of his grief.  God was present while this precious little girl’s life was slipping away from this place and His angel was ready to carry her over into the next!