*image source: wallpaperway.com
The distorted ways that these men look at the world, over time, start to rub off on you. You fight it as much as you can, but after any length of time, you find yourself falling into their psychosis. One of the things though, I am proud to say, that he could never take from me was my faith in God. Oh, he tried, believe me!
I would be subjected to rants for hours on how there was no God or Jesus and how we came from aliens. I would then say, “Well, where did the aliens first come from then?” I don’t even remember now what his answer for that one was. I think of it now and how he has tried to do the same thing to our daughter and I have to laugh about how absurd it all is. Most of the time I would just think to myself, “yeah, you’re just afraid to believe because, if you did, then you’d have to suffer the guilt for all the mean, nasty things that you have done in your life time and you sure aren’t gonna do that, are you!”
Then I begin to wonder, “Is that one of the reasons God let me have a near death experience?” Maybe it was to save my daughter from his delusions. He already tried to take my faith and couldn’t but she is a child. Maybe her saving grace was Mark and I telling her about our “deaths” and what it was like to “feel” the glorious heaven that awaits us. Seems plausible to me.
I had a counselor tell me one time that the average cycle for an abused woman is 5 to 7 years. I was abused for between 13 – 14 years, twice the norm. She told me about the rage issues that I would be dealing with and how I was going to have to reprogram my mind. I didn’t really do too well at any of that until God gave me Mark.
In all honesty, he is the one who has done the reprogramming, not me. God healed my soul and spirit, Mark healed my heart and mind. If I had never found true, unselfish, unconditional love here on this earth, I would probably still be floundering or dead by now.
I don’t know why God chose to bless me so greatly. I have thought about this endlessly in the past. I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t earn it, but it was given to me all the same. I came to the conclusion that it must be all of the praying that was done for me, along with the fact that I was dedicated to Him at birth in the Catholic Church and He was not going to let me go down so easily. I also believe that the near death experience was my final warning to get it together too. Thankfully it worked 🙂
I no longer “hate” my abuser, at least as much as humanly possible, but I do have strong emotions about him, such as; disgust, revulsion, pity, etc. I have “forgiven” him because how could I do otherwise when I have been so forgiven myself? God would not like that.
Yet I do have vestiges of those old emotions when I read my friends posts about how they are suffering the ill effects still, the anger, the hurt and pain, depression, etc. My heart hurts for them, especially since I have so been there and done that. I worry for them because I know how suicidal you can become.
And this goes as well for those who suffer abuse through friends and in friendships. There are people out there, not just those of the opposite sex, that prey on the kind-hearted souls, the generous, caring, unselfish people who would give you the shirt off their backs. We also have to be sure to note that it’s not just women who are abused in either of these ways because there are men in the same situations. And the statistics are rising on their side in today’s society.
Why is that do you think? You have to wonder, don’t you?
Just some thoughts that I had to get off my chest. Thanks for listening/reading!!
Smiles and blessings to all,
- Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse (terri0729.wordpress.com)