Dark Times and Long Roads Back From Abuse

* image source: fanpop.com


  I wanted to talk tonight about the life of a woman who is verbally, physically, mentally, or sexually abused.

  I’m not really sure that I understand a great deal about the psychological aspects of this from a technical standpoint nor the jargon they use to describe all of this.  I don’t have any training in psychology or counseling.  I am just talking from the other side of the coin, the abused woman’s perspective.

I’m not sure how I ever ended up being with such a monster as the one I was with, but I do have some thoughts about all this and conclusions that I have reached about my life back then since I am now far removed from it and have a wonderful, truly loving husband that has shown me what a woman is supposed to be treated like.  

I call Mark my “gentle giant”, partly because he towers over me by 7 or 8 inches and partly because that is what he’s like personality wise.  He is gentle, kind, thoughtful, caring, solicitous, etc.  but don’t anybody try to hurt me, Sara or one of his daughters ’cause then you’d have a grizzly bear on your hands.  He is extremely protective of his “girls”, as a man should be.  Mark would rather die than ever raise his hand to a woman or child.  When I asked him to start giving me my MS shots, his response to me was, “I can’t do it, babe, ’cause they hurt you and I just can’t be the cause of any pain to you!”  It took me a long time to convince him to do for me.  It actually came to the point of me sitting one night for an hour trying to give myself the shot and not being able to do it (mental block) and having no other choice but for him to step in and do it for me.

Since I have been online writing this blog, I have “met” several woman who suffered some sort of abuse or all of it.  Some of them are okay now and some still are dealing with the effects of it.  It is heartbreaking to me to see these women still suffering torment, as if they didn’t deserve to recover their lives and become the person they truly are and not what they have been told there were.  

Abuser do that to you, they systematically program you.  They tirade at you for hours on end telling you how worthless you are, trash, dirt, sluts, whores, disgusting, hated by everybody, liars, cheats, etc.  Over time, you start break down.  Your self-esteem goes (however much you had of it in the first place) and then after a little more time, you start believing them.  You feel that you are unlovable, that no one in the world other than them would love you, etc.

They program loyalty into you, their brand of it anyway.  They tell you over and over again what it means to be loyal.  Nothing inside this house ever leaves it.  You never talk about yourself to anyone because people can’t be trusted (which does have a lot of truth in it but not in the way they mean it).  

They systematically start eliminating all threats to their control over you.  They make you alienate friends who might give you strength to stand up to them, family members and relatives are the next to go.  When they are done, they can be assured that you have nowhere to go and, therefore, you can’t leave them.

Life for the abused is a vicious cycle that never ends.  They abuse you, then you get what is termed as “the honeymoon period” where they tell you how sorry they are, beg you to stay, say that it was your fault really but they forgive you and ask you to forgive them.  They shift their guilt onto your shoulders and somehow convince you that they are right.  That will usually only last for about a month or two until the verbal abuse starts up again.  That will build and build in intensity until the full-out rage stage takes over and they hit you.  Then the cycle renews itself.

I used to think to myself, “If I’m such a slut, if I’m all of these things you say I am, then what are you doing with me?”  But they keep you so confused in your mind and emotions that you never get any length of time to realize things for what they truly are, insane.

By now, everyone has heard of “battered woman syndrome” where the woman ends up killing their abuser.  Well, I came within milliseconds of doing that myself on three separate occasions.  I just wanted him to shut up forever, I wanted to be free and didn’t think that there was any other way for me to do it.  Of course I didn’t, the angel that guards me must have been whispering in my ear “don’t do it, you’ll never be able to live with yourself if you do, that’s Sara’s dad and you can’t let her grown up with you in prison for killing her dad” and stuff like that…  

To be continued tomorrow

Just Another Word

My silence is
what worries you

But there’s nothing
you can do

When it is
just another word

For my pain
that goes unheard

In my suffering
I am alone

Through my silence
do I moan

And this hurt
has me unnerved

When its cause
is so undeserved

So this silence
is another word

For my pain
and suffering unheard!

Teresa Marie  10/10/11

All I Can Do

All I can do
is sit and cry

Until all of my
tears have run dry

I feel so bad
just want to die

I can do nothing
unless you still try

And can’t help but
wonder why oh why

On you being strong
I did now rely?

My heart is broken
and so I cry

Until once again the
tears all run dry.

Teresa Marie  10/4/11

Distorted Reflection

Your reflection is distorted
gets twisted and contorted

When everything about you
little things you do

Seen through their eyes
is who you despise

They don’t clearly see
who’s standing before me

Young lady growing strong
knowing right from wrong

The reflection that’s you
seen my eyes through

Of beauty and grace
who’s finding her place

With life looking grand
better than you planned

Loved as you are
you will go far

This life and beyond
you hold the magic wand!

Teresa Marie  10/1/11

That’s you Sara Jayne!  Deeply loved you are!!

Like a Clown

You treat me
like a clown

Bad-mouthed me
all over town

In your efforts
keeping me down

But it’s you
wearing the frown


You don’t see
me coming around

‘Cause the happiness
that I’ve found

Removed the pain
that was profound

When under foot
I was ground


No longer do
you fool me

Your true colors
I did see

I choose never
again to be

Under the control
of an enemy


When the things
that you do

And the words
coming from you

Cause me pain
and hurt too

Shouldn’t I say
that I’m through?


If you really
do love  me

Why won’t you
set me free?

If you wish
happiness I’d see

Time that you
let me be!

Teresa Marie  9/30/11

For you Puddin’ Pie!  I love you xoxoxo


Told you one day
I would run away

Weathered seams that fray
as my life decay

Wouldn’t live this way
where I’d alway pay

When I did betray
’cause I went astray

Games my mother play
is what you say

Made me a runaway
to your total dismay

But feet of clay
is what you display

When your temper got away
you hit me that day!

Teresa Marie  9/29/11

So Very Small

You make me feel
so very small

Like I’m a bug
on the wall

That you can swat
at any time

But I’m a child
what’s my crime?

I want a place
I can hide

Where I’ll ride out
your anger’s tide

I can’t understand it
what’d I do

Making you hate me?
I love you

Not the little girl
to control anymore

I’ve found my way
out the door

I’m in a place
they love me

From all your abuse
I’m almost free

I still have listen
when you call

But someday I won’t
answer at all

You could easily stop
this whole mess

Yet you won’t is
what I guess!

Teresa Marie  9/26/11
For Sara Jayne – I love you Punkin’ Pie



You’re Busted

“Your fault!”, he said
with face all red

That’s when I knew
what he would do

“Now you are busted!
You can’t be trusted!”

“Not now,” I thought
as tears I fought

“You’re dirty and low
to hell you’ll go!”

“You make me sick!
Your betrayal was quick!!”

Finger at me jabbed
then throat he grabbed

With face beet red
thought I was dead

Could get no air
while at me swear

“Stop!” all I squeak
my legs growing weak

“Don’t let me die!”
to God I cry

Gone on too long
but did nothing wrong

Would it never end?
Could no longer pretend

“I’m better off dead,”
to God I said

As he lets go
 face white as snow

The room’s spinning around
sink to the ground

He starts to cry
now I want to die!

Teresa Marie  9/25/11

The Broken Ballerina

Their delicate feet tapped, their skirts bloomed like lilies and their fingers caressed the air. The show was beautiful, ephemeral and moving. I stared in awe and hatred. My body had once been as beautiful, flexible and delicate as theirs. Those naive girls had no idea what ballet truly was, but I did. While my husband teaches them everything he taught me, I sit and wait for a concert where I don’t dance. Ritualistic torture transformed from a once loved cycle of performance. As he runs his aging hands down their taut legs I feel mine alone, disappointed. My eyes grew wide with boiling hatred, if only I could snap those precious, beautiful, young swan-like necks. Would he still love them then?

All I could think of
was my intense hate
and the wicked twist
of my own fate

There was a time
I was the star
ballerina extraordinaire
I’d gone so far

Traveled all the world
great applause I heard
how they clamored for me
hung on my every word

Look at me now
broken by this disease
I would never dance again
the doctor said with ease

Legs are so twisted
and ugly to the eye
destroyed my whole world
but wouldn’t make me die

Stuck in this wheelchair
forced to watch them dance
ate up by their beauty
as they pirouette and prance

I don’t understand why
he must torture me
can he not comprehend
why doesn’t he see?

Can’t take it anymore
time for him to pay
he doesn’t know yet
it’s his judgement day

Knife under the pillow
the preparations are made
when he goes to sleep
my pain will be repaid

When I am done
ugly he will be
as these twisted legs
that have crippled me.

Teresa Marie  9/18/11

picture it & write contribution

Think He Can See Me?

Think that he can see me

In this corner where I hide?

Why didn’t I run away

When my name he cried?


He said he wasn’t mad

But of course he lied

And said he would kill me

If again from him I hide


Think he can see me?

I hurt so bad inside

I called the cops this time

In them did I confide


Oh God, please shelter me

Angels be at my side

Don’t let him find me

My last tear I have cried


Said they were on the way

To go somewhere I could hide

And they’d take care of him

Just as soon as they arrived!


Teresa Marie  8/19/11

For all of the abused out there – there is hope!  Cling to your faith ’cause that’s the one thing that they can’t ever take away from you.