I’m Still Here, Barely

Hello dear friends,

I’m still here but the stress has taken it’s toll.  Between my dad, Sara’s suicide watches, Mark’s rare heart diseases, and now my other brother’s cancer that requires aggressive chemotherapy, I’ve been rocked to the core.  I know you’ve been wondering and I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging but I just couldn’t find it in me to write.  I’ve immersed myself into my clay but that’s not even come easily.  I have to make myself do something every day, rather than wanting to.  I know this will all pass, it will go as God wills it, and …  My brother was the last straw, and he won’t even talk to me 😦 .

I cutting this shorter than what I meant to but the tears are flowing again and I just can’t…

Love and blessings to you all, Terri

15 thoughts on “I’m Still Here, Barely

  1. We love you, Terri. Sorry to hear all the bad news.
    Sending good vibes to you with this note.
    Keep on keeping on – best you can.

    Luvz and hugz on their way.
    Prayers of peace to
    you today.

    1. Thank you Keith!! (I feel like I’m talking to my youngest brother, also Keith 🙂 )

      I truly appreciate your kindness and “good vibes”, Lord knows I could use some. I told my eldest daughter the other day that it’s pretty bad when the best thing that has happened to you in the last 6 – 8 months is getting a great deal on a new cell phone!

      I had an upgrade and called to see what I could get for no cost that most closely matched my needs (bigger screen, larger keypad so I can text my children back since they have forgotten how to use the phone, etc.). The lady I had the pleasure of dealing with was extremely patient and helpful. We finally decided on the Galaxy Note 2. She put me on hold to hook it up but when she came back on, she informed me that they were out of stock. I figured that was par for the course I’d been on lately. She put me back on hold to talk to the manager who had come at her request. Finally, after a minute or two, she came back and informed me that since I had been with AT&T for so long they were going to give me a Note 3 for free! Woo-Hoo! Now I just have to learn how to use the darn thing, lol. Fancy gadgets and I, with my malfunctioning brain, don’t get along too well at first. As a matter of fact, I tried to respond to you from said phone and couldn’t figure out how, so I’m on the desktop now.

      Speaking of which, I guess I have to say there were 2 good things in that time ’cause I’m getting a new (refurbished) computer too. This one runs XP, which we all know is ending. My hubby wanted to get a laptop, so I went on E-bay and started researching options. I contacted one seller who did Microsoft Certified refurbishes and was selling Windows 7 systems. We worked it out to where I bought 2 of them from him for $210. This is what I got:

      CPU: Intel Core 2 Duo E7200@ 2.53
      Memory: 4GB
      Hard Drive: 160GB SATA (Windows 7 pro 64bit)
      Optical Drive: DVDRW (Burn CD’s and DVDs and Watch movies)
      Operating System: Windows 7 Pro 64 bit
      Network: Wired Broadcom Gigabit 10/100/1000MBPs
      Display: Onboard Intel® Graphics Media Accelerator 3000
      Connections: 8x USB Ports (2 Front and 6 Rear), Audio and Mic Connection in the front and rear, 1x VGA Port, 1x RJ34 (LAN) Port, 1x Parallel (Printer) Port, and 1 DB-9 (Serial) Port, 1x eSATA Connection, 1x Display Port
      Included Items: Dell USB Mouse, Dell USB Keyboard, Power Cord, speakers and power cord

      I think we did pretty good! Well, I have talked your ear off now so I’d better go. Guess your good vibes helped already, huh?

      Much Love and Hugs back to you, Terri

  2. hope every gets better!!!sometimes things get real bad but then they get better because we have faith!!!! good luck!!!!!

    1. Thank you Edna! I do appreciate it ever so much. I know they will, but it is getting to be a bit more than what I want to handle. I say that because we know that “He never gives you more than you can handle.” I just wish He had spread it all out a little more instead of allowing the blows to come when I’m still reeling from the prior one. I keep yelling that I want off this demonic merry-go-round!!! But, yes, they do get better because we have faith. Mine may be at an all time low right now, that isn’t to say I’ve lost it though. You can’t glimpse heaven and later lose your faith, that’s impossible.

      Much love, Terri

  3. Hey Terri! I saw your posts on FB, the came to your blog. Jeesh! I was thinking maybe I could cheer you up, but… I started wondering if I was my usual upbeat, joking self, if I might make you mad instead of happy. But, I figured you don’t know where I am, and you couldn’t send yer cousin Guido to rough me up or nothin’, so I jumped right on in here and give it a shot.
    See, the way I look at it, you should look at the bright side of all this. What? Why you yellin at me? (You don’t have a cousin Guido, do ya???) Anyhow, here’s the way I see it: you should consider the fact you are an example and inspiration to lots of people–me being one of them–because, you’re that one we can look at and say, “Gee, and I thought I had it rough.” 🙂 <—- (that means you're supposed to smile now)
    Seriously though, I know God will get you–and yours–through this to the other side, and if you need cheering up in the meantime, you know where I am. (Look for the duck with an expression on his face like he just saw Guido with a shotgun.)
    Hang in there, my friend!

    1. LOL, no cousins Charlie but don’t forget about my checkered past and those nefarious gang friends i ran with. I could send the brothers to visit you, but then again you are south of me so the Latinos would probably be be closer. 🙂
      Seriously though, I know God will get us through it all but I’m tired of the ride and keep asking Him “aren’t we there yet?”
      My emotions are raw right now. Mark came in to ask me something about having regular colon exams earlier and I burst out crying again. The depression battle is an endless one for people with MS anyway, something about how it messes with our brain transmissions, and I usually can stay above those danger zones when they creep up but I think I’m losing this one. Plus I have that one condition, I think they call it BP, where I used to have fits of uncontrollable mood swings. They were really bad too. I’d be laughing one minute building to the point of hysteria, balling my eyes out the next with no way to stop and at the drop of a hat become enraged about nothing. Drove us both crazy. Everything pretty much leveled off a few years ago and I no longer needed to take anti-depressants for it. Therefore, I had forgotten what it was like to be so emotionally unbalanced. If it gets any worse, I may have to get med’s for it but I take so many that I hate to add any more to the full basket I already have..
      In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones “What a drag it is getting old!”
      But, old man, compared to me, you should now feel like a spring chicken
      Thanks for the smile, give my best to your lovely wife too!
      Peace and blessings, Terri

    Here are God’s thoughts for you and your family!
    Jeremiah 29:111-14a, Amplified Bible: “11 For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and PLANS FOR WELFARE AND PEACE AND NOT FOR EVIL, TO GIVE YOU HOPE IN YOUR FINAL OUTCOME. 12 Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you. 13 Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. [Deut. 4:29-30.] 14 I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will release you from captivity…”
    God will never leave you or forsake you!
    Hebrews 13b-14, Amplified Bible: “…for He [God] Himself has said, I WILL NOT IN ANY WAY FAIL YOU NOR GIVE YOU UP NOR LEAVE YOU WITHOUT SUPPORT. [I WILL] NOT, [I WILL] NOT, [I WILL] NOT IN ANY DEGREE LEAVE YOU HELPLESS NOR FORSAKE NOR LET [YOU] DOWN (RELAX MY HOLD ON YOU)! [Assuredly not!] [Josh. 1:5.] 6 So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me? [Ps. 27:1;118:6.]
    Sickness and disease are from the devil. Everybody that Jesus healed was made sick by the devil. Jesus never told anybody that He could not or would not heal them because God had put that sickness on them to make them a better person!
    Acts 10:38, Amplified Bible: “How God anointed and consecrated Jesus of Nazareth with the [Holy] Spirit and with strength and ability and power; how He went about doing good and, IN PARTICULAR, CURING ALL WHO WERE HARASSED AND OPPRESSED BY [THE POWER OF] THE DEVIL, for God was with Him.”
    God wants you and your family to be well and prosperous!
    III John verse 2, KJV: “Beloved, I WISH ABOVE ALL THINGS THAT THOU MAYEST PROSPER AND BE IN HEALTH, even as thy soul prospereth.”
    Healing is one of God’s benefits!
    Psalm 103:2-5, KJV: “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; WHO HEALETH ALL THY DISEASES; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; SO THAT THY YOUTH IS RENEWED like the eagle’s.”
    These are just a few of God’s thoughts toward you and your family. All negative thoughts that contradict God’s thoughts for you are from the enemy and you must reject them, take them captive and cast them down by saying, “I will not receive (whatever the negative thought is) and I cast it down in the Name and through the power of the Blood of Jesus”
    II Corinthians 10:3-5, KJV: “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) CASTING DOWN IMAGINATIONS, AND EVERY HIGH THING THAT EXALTETH ITSELF AGAINST THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD, AND BRINGING INTO CAPTIVITY EVERY THOUGHT TO THE OBEDIENCE OF CHRIST;”
    Change the way you think! Think on these things!
    Romans 12:2, Amplified Bible: “Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but BE TRANSFORMED (CHANGED) BY THE [ENTIRE] RENEWAL OF YOUR MIND [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
    Engraft the Word of God into your heart to guard and protect it!
    Proverbs 4:20-23, Amplified Bible: “20 My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. 21 Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. 22 For THEY ARE LIFE TO THOSE WHO FIND THEM, HEALING AND HEALTH TO ALL THEIR FLESH. 23 Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.”
    We agree together with you for total healing for you and your family in the Mighty Name of Jesus of Nazareth! AMEN!
    Your friend and Christian brother, Tom Graves

    1. Thank you so much Tom! And I am agreeing with you, in the Name of our Lord and King, Jesus Christ! Amen and Amen!
      I truly appreciate your kindness, not to mention the time it took you to type all of that out for me.I must have 6 different translation of Bibles on my bookshelf but can’t read one to save myself. I don’t know why but every time I pick up a book to read, any book and not just the Bible, I can’t make it past the first page and I’m sound asleep. I hate it! I used to be such an avid reader too 😦 Thanks again, Tom!
      God bless and keep you and yours, Your friend and sister in Christ, Terri

  5. Thinking of you the other day — lifted you in thought and prayer — now I know why. Will continue to do so. Earlier today, I thought (for my benefit — now perhaps maybe yours) … if God brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it! — personally, I have to cling to that! xoxo

    1. Thank you Becca! That used to happen to me all the time too. Intercessory prayer for unknown reasons, I believe, is a privilege and blesses both sides of the coin. These days my mind is too loud for me to hear the prompts though 😦 I cling to that thought as well, I just hope and pray that the bringing part is done for now! xoxoxo

  6. Oh, Terri, it breaks my heart reading all that you and your family are going through..I’m beginning to disagree with that phrase, “God only gives us what He knows we can handle.” Really? Well, I believe, but I also question. No words sound right, but just know I’m here if you want to talk, I’m a good listener and just try to take one day at a time. Cliche, yes, but that’s what we’re doing, also, in our situation with our daughter’s illness…it’s the only way to move forward…sending hugs again and many, many prayers are being lifted for you and your family…xoxo

    1. Thank you Lauren for being so good to me and mine!! I have a special heart for you and your daughter as well. Simpatico is what we are 🙂 I told Mark the other night that I guess what really breaks my heart about my brother is the fact that, before my involvement with Sara’s dad, I would have been one of the first people that he would confide in and now that close relationship is forever ruined. The first thing abusers do is isolate you from all family and friends. It’s been a long 10+ years of waiting patiently for my family to accept me back: not mom and dad but my siblings.
      Anyway, I know what you mean about the questioning thing too. I used to ask God why I had to go through the whole abuse thing, what He was preparing me for that I had to be so strong and now I wonder if that question hasn’t been answered. I hope so ’cause if it’s gonna get any worse, I’d rather not be here for it 😦 You know what I mean? Of course my kids would be devastated and I wouldn’t want to do that to them, so I guess I’m stuck with taking whatever comes.
      Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, it means a lot to me!!

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