Yes, as you can see with my poem, I’ve finally hit the wall and suffered a stress fracture! lol. Actually I’ve been sick for 3 weeks now, or more, I can’t remember for sure the last time I felt good.
The doctor started Mark on the first option of med’s on the 15th. I had to contact the on-call doc on Friday evening, after a nerve-wracking day of worry. I told Mark on Thurs. evening that he looked rundown. On Friday, he was real lethargic and just not himself. I was getting ready to run get Sara after school and went to tell him. At first I couldn’t find him but then noticed the bedroom door was closed. I yelled out that I was leaving and asked if he was okay. He said yes, but I knew he was lying. I opened the door and said so. “How do you know I’m lying?” he asked me.
“Mark! We’ve just had our 8th anniversary, I know my husband better than he thinks apparently. The only time you get away with doing it, like you just did, is ’cause I let you! Good thing you don’t try it often.”
Looking closer at him, I noticed he was kinda ashy and his face looked like somebody had punched it, extremely swollen. No wonder he had kept out of my sight for most of the day! He said he was fine for me to leave him alone for 20 minutes. I flew there and back. Then he was back up and I saw how inflamed his whole body was. Scared me to death! I grabbed the phone and called immediately.
Long story short; I had to monitor his blood pressure over the weekend and if it got up to 160, take him immediately to the ER; he had to stop the new med’s; we couldn’t travel anywhere (which normally wouldn’t matter except my son was getting married 90 miles away!!!!!!) All this occurred at 10:45 pm and I had to call him around 11:15 to tell him that I would not be able to come see him get married. I was bawling my eyes out! He said that he understood but I still heard the hurt in his voice. Then I had to call my eldest daughter to tell her that I would get Sara out there to ride with her but Mark & I would not be going. At first she was dead silent and I burst out bawling all over again.
“I don’t know what to say mom, I’m sorry. Did you call Blaine yet?” “Yes” “What did he say?” “He understood” “I’m sure he does” “I still know he’s hurt” “I’m sure he is! I don’t want this to sound mean, so please don’t take it that way but I’m just talking from the other side of the coin here.” (I already had an idea what was coming) “What?” “I just really sucks to be your kid sometimes. It was already bad enough before with you always being sick so much, but now with Mark too, that’s just that much more stuff you will miss out on being there for! Look at all the things you’ve already missed.” Bawling more, “I kn-know but I c-c-can’t help it!” “WE ALL KNOW THAT, MOM! We don’t blame you at all, that’s what I meant when I said that it sucks being your kid. You know I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world!! Mark either, we all just wish you weren’t sick.” “How do you think I feel?!”
I told her that I thought about getting someone to come stay with him while I was gone but there’s no way I could do that and not be a basket case the hold time I was gone, just the worry alone would ruin the whole day for me and I didn’t want to be a downer to the celebration. Could you just imagine if I had gone 90 miles away and got a call saying “We had to take Mark to the hospital?” I’d probably kill myself just trying to get home fast enough, not to mention the worst case scenario.
Everybody understood, Mark said to go anyway, of course that didn’t happen and now I have one more guilt to live with concerning my children 😦 I am trying my hardest to brush it off but it’s not working well enough to keep my depression in check. I hit that Saturday night.
NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF IT!!!! I know this, they know this, God knows this, easier said than done too.
I used to ask God why I had to go through all the abuse and crap with Sara’s dad, what He was strengthening me for? How strong did I have to be in the future? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around for it. Today, I think I know why, it was a stress tolerance exercise!
I’m trying to keep busy and occupy my mind as much as possible but with being sick so much it’s not easy. I did want to share with you the latest things that I’ve been working on. They could be better but I think I’m still doing pretty good for only starting back in November or so of last year, don’t you? I find that I can do the sculpting better than the canes because, with them, you have to be able to apply equal pressure with both hands during construction and then again when reducing; for me with the MS, that’s impossible. Therefore, the pattern is never straight in my canes 😦 Oh well, I am having fun with these characters anyway.
Thanks to you all for those thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement!! I couldn’t do it without your support. Forgive me being negligent with the updates.
Love, hugs and blessings to all, Terri
I didn’t have the memory on my monthly allotment left to watch the video prompt for this week’s FWF, but when I read the title of it – that held a special meaning for me in connection to my husband Mark. So I wrote this poem to go with the title and not the prompt! I hope you don’t mind Kellie!!!
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*image source: google.com/images
*image source: my.opera.com
*image source: magickalgraphics.com
* image source: wallpaper-s.org
For Mark, I love you!
What about God? 